Friend or Foebia

It's a lot worse than you think.

This Week’s Top Dangers Threatening America

Childless adults who visit Disneyland.
Impromptu rap battle between Muammar Gaddafi and Charlie Sheen.
Greedy unions and their unreasonable demands for such luxuries as food and self-respect.
A time traveling Sarah Palin.
Fox News’ Megyn Kelly being released into the wild to feast on reasonable discourse and small rodents.

The 5 Possible Fates of Charlie Sheen

We’ve done the math so you don’t have to.  Here, we narrow down the 5 most likely outcomes for America’s favorite (at least as of this writing) drug addled celebrity:

Overdoses on Charlie Sheen, not to mention crack, meth, pills, huffing agents, and the secret ingredient in Axe Body Spray.

Teams up with Lindsay Lohan and goes on “Natural Born Killers”-style thieving and twittering rampage only to eventually be hunted down by a half-naked Danny Bonaduce cyborg sent from the future.

Goddesses mate with, then decapitate, Sheen, laying eggs in his plump, bloated corpse. There the larva-Sheens will gestate while trying to avoid being devoured by a Prader-Willi crazed Angus Jones.

Develops comprehensive, unifying scientific theory of the universe leading to a new understanding of physics and the connection between space and time, then vomits on notes.

Emerges from current crisis and future scandals, police standoffs, awful sitcoms, infomercials, tell-all books, diseases, bouts of religion, spoken word poetry, hang glider crashes, and ultimate fighting cage matches, stronger, crazier, and ready to snort coke off all our gravestones.

Charlie Sheen is My Drug of Choice

After rehab, a high-profile marriage, more rehab, hookers, porn stars, crack hags who just give it away, a high-profile divorce followed by a quick high-profile marriage, little more rehab, and yes, another divorce, 5 soon-to-be-fucked-up children, and a truly horrible sit-com, Charlie Sheen has come clean on his hard partying ways — he is addicted to a drug called Charlie Sheen.

(For years, I thought he was addicted to riding the coattails of a famous Hollywood name into a financially successful, though ultimately, lackluster career.)

But I must confess.  I too have partaken of the Sheen. For a brief time during the 80s, 90s, and 2000s, I took a few thousand hits of Charlie Sheen (Not to be confused with taking hits from Charlie Sheen, which is really more of a prostitute/ex-wife kind of thing.)

It started in 1983 with a little film called “The Outsiders”.  I told myself I should be open to new experiences and it would be fun.  After all, I was young.  So, I took a hit and saw immediate results and it opened my mind.  It suddenly seemed plausible that a then 31-year-old Patrick Swayze could play a high school age kid (which he repeated in “Red Dawn” a year later).  Tom Cruise seemed like he could hold his own in a knife fight.  Ralph Macchio appeared talented.

It was a mind-altering experience and I knew I needed more.  But I kept it under control, just small Sheen fueled binges.  Like bit parts in “Ferris Beuller’s Day Off” and “Amazing Stories”.  But then came “Platoon” and it all became a haze. Like the fog of war, I became lost in the fog of Charlie Sheen.  One day I had friends, a family, a promising career.  The next thing I knew I was mainlining Sheen into my neck meat trying to figure out why brothers Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez have different last names, which one was married to Paula Abdul, and what kind of cruel universe would allow them to co-star in “Men at Work”.

It was a dark time in my life. “Navy Seals”, “Cadence”, any excuse to put Charlie in a military uniform, cop uniform, or baseball cap. I actually sucked Corbin Bernsen’s dick just for a taste of “Major League II”.

I had hit rock bottom.  I had become a Charlie Sheen head.

Don’t get me wrong.  They weren’t all bad times.  There was “Being John Malkovich” and “Spin City” and “Wall Street”.  Good, solid highs. But there were also the memories I now turn to meth for to erase (as in “The Chase”).  Some of the memories are simply too painful to recall.

But then came a morning after watching a “Two and a Half Men” marathon, strung out, naked, the remote control way over on the coffee table just out of the reach of my foot.  I had hit bottom.  I had lost all sense of reality, dignity, and respect for the art of television and movie making.  And there I sat, alone in front of the TV, covered in Corbin Bernsen’s stink, and I knew it was time for a change.

So, today I’m 42 days clean.  And while I have rebuilt some semblance of a life, it’s certainly not complete.  The damage has been done.  But I take it one day at a time.

And now I find out that Charlie Sheen, too, is addicted to the drug Charlie Sheen.  So, my advice to Charlie is:  The first step is to admit you have a problem.  The second step is to learn to love yourself.  The third step is to build a well-armed bunker to fend off the inevitable army of douche bags who want you to make “Mighty Ducks 4″…  Oh, wait.  That was the other…  Never mind.  Just move full-time to your Bahamian porn pleasure dome and coke away until your heart blows.  That’s probably best for all concerned.

Somali Pirates Versus Wisconsin School Teachers

In the wake of the recent wave of Somali pirate activity and Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker’s assault on public employee unions, we wonder: Is it better to be a Somali pirate or a Wisconsin school teacher?

Who gets a bigger paycheck?
A hijacked oil tanker can yield millions in ransom. A hijacked algebra class gets you about 45 overcrowded 14-year-olds who think Pythagoras is the Greek shipping heir dating Paris Hilton. Winner: Somali pirates.

Who has more career longevity?
Budget cuts, layoffs, and furloughs make the future of teaching tenuous. Most Somali pirates are devoured by giant squids during first year. Winner: Draw.

Who has the more dangerous profession?
Pirates face ongoing threats of gunplay and scurvy. Milwaukee teachers face ongoing threats of gunplay and scurvy. Winner: Draw.

Who has more ferocious enemies?
Pirates: Man eating sharks. Teachers: Soul crushing Republicans. Winner: Draw.

Who gets more perks?
Teachers may soon lose the right to collective bargaining and union benefits. Pirates offer signing bonuses and chance to kidnap rich assholes on yachts. Winner: Somali pirates.

Pirating is often an overlooked career path but, given the state of the current job market and the attack on organized labor, better to be a pirate than a professor … at least in Wisconsin.

Freezing the Poor and Other Sure-Fire Money Making Ideas

So, President Obama — shortly after approving tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans — has proposed cutting $5.1 billion from a home heating assistance program for the poor that will likely leave hundreds of thousands of Americans without heat, left to freeze next winter.  Now, you’re probably asking yourself, “What took him so long?”  Well, change takes time, and this is change you can believe in.  The change in this instance is, however,  that of bodily fluids that turn from a liquid to a solid state as the bitter cold coagulates the blood of the indigent into cherry Slurpee.  But why stop there when there are so many horribly merciless — and profitable — degradations yet to be done to the poor?

Here are some suggestions that might just save our economy while simultaneously gouging the poverty-stricken:

  • Use handicapped as human billboards.  Have a new product or service to promote?  Strap a sign to a wheelchair bound man or a blind woman’s cane.  You may see them as handicapped but I see them as handi-capitalists.
  • Rent underprivileged single mothers to China. They have a generation comprised almost entirely of men; we have loads of illiterate ladies who don’t know the meaning of the words 爆菊花.  It’s win-win!
  • Race the homeless in street derbies. It’s fun for the whole family, and hobo fuel is an untapped energy source that could power the green economy of tomorrow.
  • Pit diabetic elderly against each other in “Amazing Race” … for insulin. Entertaining, educational, and you never know where the chase will lead: Sometimes to an exotic foreign city, other times to a Wal-Mart bathroom floor, licking gum off a toilet seat in a hypoglycemic stupor.
  • Bottle the tears of orphans.  This saline fluid is loaded with minerals and a great alternative to sugary soft drinks that don’t involve child sadness.

With a little creative thinking, we just might pull ourselves out of this economic tailspin or at least thin the ranks of the needy who lack the necessary skills to elicit empathy in our blackened, dead hearts.

Guns Don’t Kill, People Do. Angry People. Who Also Own Guns, Duh.

If history has taught us anything, it’s that guns don’t kill — people do.  Angry people.  People who feel they’ve been wronged, misunderstood, or robbed of love and/or riches.  People who hold grudges and own the movie “Red Dawn”.  People who work in IT departments or are engineering students, are socially awkward and under appreciated, yet surprisingly nimble at scaling water towers.  People determined to keep the British infantry out of their homes, and their homes mobile.  People with a poor grasp of historical events and the general principal of cause and effect relationships — you know, like George Washington and the cherry tree, and how he chopped it down and freed the slaves.  People who own holsters and otherwise would have nothing to wear with them.  People who attend political rallies for politicians they wouldn’t vote for.  People who enjoy having little friends in their pockets that urge them to be irrational, like a 1920s-era sidekick.  “Go ahead boss, moyder him good!  That’ll learn him!”  People who have neither escaped from the “Planet of the Apes” nor from rumors of being gay.  People who love America and firmly believe in the 2nd Amendment, but no so much in the 1st, 6th, 14th, 15th, 16th, and 19th.  People who wouldn’t get so upset if Jodie Foster would just return their damn phone calls!  People who are willing to water the tree of liberty with the blood of patriots and tyrants, and those who don’t understand the meaning of the word “duck”.  Indeed, guns don’t kill, people do — people who own guns.

That is all.

This Week’s Top Dangers: Mummys, Swans, and Phones

A look at what could happen in the days ahead:

Glenn Beck slays actor Brendan Fraser after mistaking the movie “The Mummy” as first wave of new Egyptian caliphate.

Oscar hype surrounding the Academy Award nominated film “Black Swan” causes a generation of young girls to develop negative body images and truly horrible taste in movies in a mass case of anorexia boredoma.

British supercomputers melt down in attempt to calculate the cost of the upcoming royal wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton divided by the amount Elton John will eventually charge to re-write post-divorce “Rocket Man” lyrics.

Scandal plagued Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi and Jennifer Aniston begin shooting new time travel/romantic comedy/erotica film titled, “He’s Just Not That Into You … But He Could Be, Literally, If Only You Were 14.”

Verizon introduces cool, new smartphone so tiny customers not entirely sure if they own one.

Happy Airborne Illness Day!


Career Opportunities Working with Famous People!

While the economy may still be in the tank, there are lucrative career opportunities out there for those with the necessary skills to work with celebrities.

Now Hiring:

Personal Zoologist for Khloe Kardashian
Duties: Study and document the large mammal in its natural habitat:  Eating buckets of chicken in the dressing room of Lane Bryant
Pros: Free access to extensive family library of sex tapes.
Cons: Most scientists in the field eventually lose appendage in unprovoked attack over peanut brittle.


Parole Officer for Lindsay Lohan
Duties: Monitor the erratic starlet and prevent her from drinking, drugging, or making a sequel to “Herbie Fully Loaded”.
Pros: Oftentimes, work is conducted in the lush surroundings of a Malibu rehab facility.
Cons: Jewelry, clothing, and pacemakers often go “missing”.


Paranormal Researcher for Michele Bachmann
Duties: Investigate the supernatural entity that has possession of the Minnesota congresswoman’s grasp on reality.
Pros: Will have ample opportunity to enjoy the outdoors while digging up Indian burial sites and the grave of Ronald Reagan in search of “National Treasure”-style clues to President Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate.
Cons: Ectoplasmic swirl of conspiracy theories may suck you into a fourth dimension between the living and the politically dead. Tip: When you hear your name, either walk toward or away from the light.

Kittens: Not Just for Eating Anymore


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