My name is ALFONSO DI ROMERO and I was born on a mountain, raised in a cave, truck’n and fuck’n is all I crave … well, sort of — I was actually raised in Chicago. Anyway, I’m a three-time, Emmy-of-the-mind, award-winning comedy writer, and former Ambassador to the United Nation’s pessimism committee. I’ve also worked extensively with numerous governmental agencies to stamp out Internet exaggeration and falsity. Soon after being paroled (oh yeah, for the purposes of this bit I was in prison for, say, stealing cabbages), I came out to Hollywood where I’ve pretty much seen it all, done it all, or had it done to me — or, at least as much as can be had for $61 and a button. I’m generally distrustful of everything and everyone and try to encourage others to be similarly skeptical and, believe me, I have my own suspicious reasons for doing so. Definitely, do not trust me. I will steal your cabbages.
P.S. At this very moment, a masked man is looking at you through the scope of a sniper rifle.
P.P.S. And he isn’t wearing pants.
P.P.P.S. That man is Corey Feldman.
P.P.P.P.S. The upside is Feldman is generally a lousy shot; the downside is he’ll probably write a song about you.
P.P.P.P.P.S. If given the choice, take the bullet.