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Tag Archives: Charlie Sheen

This Week’s Top Dangers Threatening America

Childless adults who visit Disneyland.
Impromptu rap battle between Muammar Gaddafi and Charlie Sheen.
Greedy unions and their unreasonable demands for such luxuries as food and self-respect.
A time traveling Sarah Palin.
Fox News’ Megyn Kelly being released into the wild to feast on reasonable discourse and small rodents.

The 5 Possible Fates of Charlie Sheen

We’ve done the math so you don’t have to.  Here, we narrow down the 5 most likely outcomes for America’s favorite (at least as of this writing) drug addled celebrity:

Overdoses on Charlie Sheen, not to mention crack, meth, pills, huffing agents, and the secret ingredient in Axe Body Spray.

Teams up with Lindsay Lohan and goes on “Natural Born Killers”-style thieving and twittering rampage only to eventually be hunted down by a half-naked Danny Bonaduce cyborg sent from the future.

Goddesses mate with, then decapitate, Sheen, laying eggs in his plump, bloated corpse. There the larva-Sheens will gestate while trying to avoid being devoured by a Prader-Willi crazed Angus Jones.

Develops comprehensive, unifying scientific theory of the universe leading to a new understanding of physics and the connection between space and time, then vomits on notes.

Emerges from current crisis and future scandals, police standoffs, awful sitcoms, infomercials, tell-all books, diseases, bouts of religion, spoken word poetry, hang glider crashes, and ultimate fighting cage matches, stronger, crazier, and ready to snort coke off all our gravestones.

Charlie Sheen is My Drug of Choice

After rehab, a high-profile marriage, more rehab, hookers, porn stars, crack hags who just give it away, a high-profile divorce followed by a quick high-profile marriage, little more rehab, and yes, another divorce, 5 soon-to-be-fucked-up children, and a truly horrible sit-com, Charlie Sheen has come clean on his hard partying ways — he is addicted to a drug called Charlie Sheen.

(For years, I thought he was addicted to riding the coattails of a famous Hollywood name into a financially successful, though ultimately, lackluster career.)

But I must confess.  I too have partaken of the Sheen. For a brief time during the 80s, 90s, and 2000s, I took a few thousand hits of Charlie Sheen (Not to be confused with taking hits from Charlie Sheen, which is really more of a prostitute/ex-wife kind of thing.)

It started in 1983 with a little film called “The Outsiders”.  I told myself I should be open to new experiences and it would be fun.  After all, I was young.  So, I took a hit and saw immediate results and it opened my mind.  It suddenly seemed plausible that a then 31-year-old Patrick Swayze could play a high school age kid (which he repeated in “Red Dawn” a year later).  Tom Cruise seemed like he could hold his own in a knife fight.  Ralph Macchio appeared talented.

It was a mind-altering experience and I knew I needed more.  But I kept it under control, just small Sheen fueled binges.  Like bit parts in “Ferris Beuller’s Day Off” and “Amazing Stories”.  But then came “Platoon” and it all became a haze. Like the fog of war, I became lost in the fog of Charlie Sheen.  One day I had friends, a family, a promising career.  The next thing I knew I was mainlining Sheen into my neck meat trying to figure out why brothers Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez have different last names, which one was married to Paula Abdul, and what kind of cruel universe would allow them to co-star in “Men at Work”.

It was a dark time in my life. “Navy Seals”, “Cadence”, any excuse to put Charlie in a military uniform, cop uniform, or baseball cap. I actually sucked Corbin Bernsen’s dick just for a taste of “Major League II”.

I had hit rock bottom.  I had become a Charlie Sheen head.

Don’t get me wrong.  They weren’t all bad times.  There was “Being John Malkovich” and “Spin City” and “Wall Street”.  Good, solid highs. But there were also the memories I now turn to meth for to erase (as in “The Chase”).  Some of the memories are simply too painful to recall.

But then came a morning after watching a “Two and a Half Men” marathon, strung out, naked, the remote control way over on the coffee table just out of the reach of my foot.  I had hit bottom.  I had lost all sense of reality, dignity, and respect for the art of television and movie making.  And there I sat, alone in front of the TV, covered in Corbin Bernsen’s stink, and I knew it was time for a change.

So, today I’m 42 days clean.  And while I have rebuilt some semblance of a life, it’s certainly not complete.  The damage has been done.  But I take it one day at a time.

And now I find out that Charlie Sheen, too, is addicted to the drug Charlie Sheen.  So, my advice to Charlie is:  The first step is to admit you have a problem.  The second step is to learn to love yourself.  The third step is to build a well-armed bunker to fend off the inevitable army of douche bags who want you to make “Mighty Ducks 4″…  Oh, wait.  That was the other…  Never mind.  Just move full-time to your Bahamian porn pleasure dome and coke away until your heart blows.  That’s probably best for all concerned.

iThug — the iPhone App for Dictators and Henchmen


New iPhone app alerts dictators of impending uprisings among repressed poor and religious minorities!

Easily network with pro-government sponsored goon squads.

Pinpoint with GPS accuracy the location of Anderson Cooper.

Shop online for tear gas from authorized Made in the USA sellers.

Fully integrated with Travelocity for last-minute flight plans.

Charlie Sheen on speed dial.  (Because, if you’re going to be ousted from power in a coup — bloodless or otherwise — you’re going to need some one who really knows how to throw a going away party!)

iThug — In times of revolt, it’s better to have a heads-up, than a head off.

Egyptians Demand Overthrow of “Two and a Half Men”

Thousands of Egyptians turned out on the streets of Cairo demanding that Charlie Sheen dedicate his full efforts to hookers and blow, and free the television airwaves from the tyranny of his unfunny hit TV show “Two and a Half Men,” or as the Egyptians refer to it, “Two Great Humorless Satans and the Slightly Smaller Humorless Satan, Who We Liked in ‘The Rookie’ but is, Nevertheless, Still Not Amusing”.

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