Friend or Foebia

It's a lot worse than you think.

Monthly Archives: January 2011

Egyptians Demand Overthrow of “Two and a Half Men”

Thousands of Egyptians turned out on the streets of Cairo demanding that Charlie Sheen dedicate his full efforts to hookers and blow, and free the television airwaves from the tyranny of his unfunny hit TV show “Two and a Half Men,” or as the Egyptians refer to it, “Two Great Humorless Satans and the Slightly Smaller Humorless Satan, Who We Liked in ‘The Rookie’ but is, Nevertheless, Still Not Amusing”.

Dear Hollywood: It’s Not Hard to Win an Oscar

As Oscar fever heats up in Hollywood over who will win these silly — and they really are embarrassingly silly, self-congratulatory awards — let’s all just face one simple truth: It’s just not that hard to win an Academy Award! There, it needed to be said.

That’s not to say it’s not daunting, if not nearly damn impossible, to secure a starring or supporting role in a movie, any movie, but if you’ve made it that far, the odds are on your side that you will one day receive an award for some type of historical drama where you play a mentally challenged, washed-up country singer who discovers a gay, homeless, musical genius, former wrestler on the streets of LA, and the two of you eventually drive your car off a cliff in a climactic moment of symbolic unity, all while inconspicuously doing a product placement for your Boost Mobile Two-Way.

Think about it, according to the MPAA — and this changes by year — but there are roughly 700 to 1,000 movies made each year directed toward English-speaking audiences. Now, that includes the lowest of low-budget B, C, and D movies, as well as Hollywood blockbusters. The vast bulk of these never secures distribution, are never shown in theaters, and go directly to DVD (and that’s if they even make it that far).

Only a couple hundred of movies actually make it to the big screen. Of those, again, many are poorly made, low-budget flicks with no stars, marketing budgets, etc. Then, we can filter out the kinds of movies that are never Award contenders — action flicks, comedies, rom-coms, horror movies, etc. That brings the pool down to maybe 50 movies, and that’s being quite generous. So, right there, the odds of winning an Oscar are 1 in 50, and 1 in 5 to be nominated since 10 films and/or actors are generally nominated for each category.

But, when you consider Oscar history and the fact that the Academy favors films that include the mentally or physically challenged, have some sort of social or historic significance, are about the mafia or a boxer or a race horse, or the director, producer or lead actor is perceived to have been passed over, the pool of viable winners dwindles. So, let’s say that halves the contender base to 1 in 25 to win an Oscar, 1 in 2.5 to receive a nomination

Add to that the fact that only a small number of studios have the funds to launch the high dollar marketing campaigns required to influence/bribe the Academy, and that usually narrows the fight for the prize to 2, sometimes 3 films each year. So, at their worst, the odds of winning are 1 in 3, or 1 in 2.

Consider this: Wal-Mart employs over 1.6 million people and only one of those greeters/stockers/clerks/cashiers/glue huffers will truly beat the odds as the soul-crushing retailer’s Employee of the Year. Now, there’s an accomplishment.

The moral of the story: If you’re a working actor and you can’t win an Academy Award, you would never cut it at Wal-Mart, and the universe is giving you a metaphorical wedgie.

Ikea, Greek God of Go Fuck Yourself

If there’s anything more dehumanizing than the cold, lonely torment of assembling Ikea furniture, that’s only because the North Korean’s haven’t thought of it yet. We have Sweden to thank for the current limits of emasculating torture that one can inflict upon another. Yet, in the depths of assembling a kitchen cart with optional faux-stainless steel top, called something like a KVARRT-FAFRVKN, the name Ikea seems more Greek to me, and oh-so-tragic, as if Ikea were more of a state of being — a hellish one — as well as a physical location one passes by near the river Styx on the road to Hades. I imagine myself the tragic hero in a myth-in-the-making. There, amidst the forlorn looks of the damned, Cerberus, the multi-headed hell-hound, delivers me to three poorly packaged boxes — and there’s no way even in hell those bitches are going to fit in my trunk — a booklet of heiroglyphics and bewildering arrows, and an allen wrench. He then disappears into a mist of sulfur, leaving me with the one question, the only one that seems to matter, the only one that could possibly lead to redemption, for me and for all mankind, and a way back to the land of the living: What the fuck is a cam lock system?!

Good luck Teddy Bear … you’ll need it

So, golden-voiced homeless man Ted Williams has left rehab today and I am shocked, simply shocked. If you can’t count on a 20+ year drug addict and booze hound catapulted to international, overnight fame to keep it together, then I just don’t know what to believe in anymore. I mean, who would ever have guessed that this dirty, crack-scented man with his Pied Piper voice would have led us — as well as one Dr. Mr. Phil McGraw — off the cliff of despair like the rats, hobo-loving rats. Luckily, for us, there are ways to escape the unrelenting pain of lost dreams in the form of a bottle, one that holds the tears of unmet expectations and what could have been and, of course, crack cocaine.

Hello, I guess

Oh, the first post. So blank, so cold, so intimidating, like Oprah staring down a plate of defenseless fudge. Poor fudge. Never really had a fighting chance did you? And now with her newly discovered sister, oy, who knows what type of wonder-twin-powered pseudo self-empowerment/consumerist message they will unleash on the public, all while gorging themselves on fistfuls of sugary lard.

Anyway, what should the first post be? An introduction? An apology? A Unabomber-style manifesto outlining the impending doom of brown-shirted Justin Bieber armies with sight obscuring bangs accidentally demolishing the pillars of our society, both physical and idealistic?

Maybe I should outline the topics I will likely post about/ridicule on this site: politicians, celebrities, non-golden-voiced homeless men, golden-voiced men with homes, marginally interesting historical figures, Euro-trash dance trends, religious zealots, Ke$ha, numerologists, and the cast of “Glee”.

Why? I don’t know. Call it sitting back and fiddling as Rome burns because, no matter what you may fool yourself into believing, things are a lot worse than you think…

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