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Somali Pirates Versus Wisconsin School Teachers

In the wake of the recent wave of Somali pirate activity and Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker’s assault on public employee unions, we wonder: Is it better to be a Somali pirate or a Wisconsin school teacher?

Who gets a bigger paycheck?
A hijacked oil tanker can yield millions in ransom. A hijacked algebra class gets you about 45 overcrowded 14-year-olds who think Pythagoras is the Greek shipping heir dating Paris Hilton. Winner: Somali pirates.

Who has more career longevity?
Budget cuts, layoffs, and furloughs make the future of teaching tenuous. Most Somali pirates are devoured by giant squids during first year. Winner: Draw.

Who has the more dangerous profession?
Pirates face ongoing threats of gunplay and scurvy. Milwaukee teachers face ongoing threats of gunplay and scurvy. Winner: Draw.

Who has more ferocious enemies?
Pirates: Man eating sharks. Teachers: Soul crushing Republicans. Winner: Draw.

Who gets more perks?
Teachers may soon lose the right to collective bargaining and union benefits. Pirates offer signing bonuses and chance to kidnap rich assholes on yachts. Winner: Somali pirates.

Pirating is often an overlooked career path but, given the state of the current job market and the attack on organized labor, better to be a pirate than a professor … at least in Wisconsin.

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