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Tag Archives: politics

This Week’s Top Dangers Threatening America

Childless adults who visit Disneyland.
Impromptu rap battle between Muammar Gaddafi and Charlie Sheen.
Greedy unions and their unreasonable demands for such luxuries as food and self-respect.
A time traveling Sarah Palin.
Fox News’ Megyn Kelly being released into the wild to feast on reasonable discourse and small rodents.

Somali Pirates Versus Wisconsin School Teachers

In the wake of the recent wave of Somali pirate activity and Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker’s assault on public employee unions, we wonder: Is it better to be a Somali pirate or a Wisconsin school teacher?

Who gets a bigger paycheck?
A hijacked oil tanker can yield millions in ransom. A hijacked algebra class gets you about 45 overcrowded 14-year-olds who think Pythagoras is the Greek shipping heir dating Paris Hilton. Winner: Somali pirates.

Who has more career longevity?
Budget cuts, layoffs, and furloughs make the future of teaching tenuous. Most Somali pirates are devoured by giant squids during first year. Winner: Draw.

Who has the more dangerous profession?
Pirates face ongoing threats of gunplay and scurvy. Milwaukee teachers face ongoing threats of gunplay and scurvy. Winner: Draw.

Who has more ferocious enemies?
Pirates: Man eating sharks. Teachers: Soul crushing Republicans. Winner: Draw.

Who gets more perks?
Teachers may soon lose the right to collective bargaining and union benefits. Pirates offer signing bonuses and chance to kidnap rich assholes on yachts. Winner: Somali pirates.

Pirating is often an overlooked career path but, given the state of the current job market and the attack on organized labor, better to be a pirate than a professor … at least in Wisconsin.

Freezing the Poor and Other Sure-Fire Money Making Ideas

So, President Obama — shortly after approving tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans — has proposed cutting $5.1 billion from a home heating assistance program for the poor that will likely leave hundreds of thousands of Americans without heat, left to freeze next winter.  Now, you’re probably asking yourself, “What took him so long?”  Well, change takes time, and this is change you can believe in.  The change in this instance is, however,  that of bodily fluids that turn from a liquid to a solid state as the bitter cold coagulates the blood of the indigent into cherry Slurpee.  But why stop there when there are so many horribly merciless — and profitable — degradations yet to be done to the poor?

Here are some suggestions that might just save our economy while simultaneously gouging the poverty-stricken:

  • Use handicapped as human billboards.  Have a new product or service to promote?  Strap a sign to a wheelchair bound man or a blind woman’s cane.  You may see them as handicapped but I see them as handi-capitalists.
  • Rent underprivileged single mothers to China. They have a generation comprised almost entirely of men; we have loads of illiterate ladies who don’t know the meaning of the words 爆菊花.  It’s win-win!
  • Race the homeless in street derbies. It’s fun for the whole family, and hobo fuel is an untapped energy source that could power the green economy of tomorrow.
  • Pit diabetic elderly against each other in “Amazing Race” … for insulin. Entertaining, educational, and you never know where the chase will lead: Sometimes to an exotic foreign city, other times to a Wal-Mart bathroom floor, licking gum off a toilet seat in a hypoglycemic stupor.
  • Bottle the tears of orphans.  This saline fluid is loaded with minerals and a great alternative to sugary soft drinks that don’t involve child sadness.

With a little creative thinking, we just might pull ourselves out of this economic tailspin or at least thin the ranks of the needy who lack the necessary skills to elicit empathy in our blackened, dead hearts.

Guns Don’t Kill, People Do. Angry People. Who Also Own Guns, Duh.

If history has taught us anything, it’s that guns don’t kill — people do.  Angry people.  People who feel they’ve been wronged, misunderstood, or robbed of love and/or riches.  People who hold grudges and own the movie “Red Dawn”.  People who work in IT departments or are engineering students, are socially awkward and under appreciated, yet surprisingly nimble at scaling water towers.  People determined to keep the British infantry out of their homes, and their homes mobile.  People with a poor grasp of historical events and the general principal of cause and effect relationships — you know, like George Washington and the cherry tree, and how he chopped it down and freed the slaves.  People who own holsters and otherwise would have nothing to wear with them.  People who attend political rallies for politicians they wouldn’t vote for.  People who enjoy having little friends in their pockets that urge them to be irrational, like a 1920s-era sidekick.  “Go ahead boss, moyder him good!  That’ll learn him!”  People who have neither escaped from the “Planet of the Apes” nor from rumors of being gay.  People who love America and firmly believe in the 2nd Amendment, but no so much in the 1st, 6th, 14th, 15th, 16th, and 19th.  People who wouldn’t get so upset if Jodie Foster would just return their damn phone calls!  People who are willing to water the tree of liberty with the blood of patriots and tyrants, and those who don’t understand the meaning of the word “duck”.  Indeed, guns don’t kill, people do — people who own guns.

That is all.

This Week’s Top Dangers: Mummys, Swans, and Phones

A look at what could happen in the days ahead:

Glenn Beck slays actor Brendan Fraser after mistaking the movie “The Mummy” as first wave of new Egyptian caliphate.


Oscar hype surrounding the Academy Award nominated film “Black Swan” causes a generation of young girls to develop negative body images and truly horrible taste in movies in a mass case of anorexia boredoma.


British supercomputers melt down in attempt to calculate the cost of the upcoming royal wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton divided by the amount Elton John will eventually charge to re-write post-divorce “Rocket Man” lyrics.


Scandal plagued Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi and Jennifer Aniston begin shooting new time travel/romantic comedy/erotica film titled, “He’s Just Not That Into You … But He Could Be, Literally, If Only You Were 14.”


Verizon introduces cool, new smartphone so tiny customers not entirely sure if they own one.

Career Opportunities Working with Famous People!

While the economy may still be in the tank, there are lucrative career opportunities out there for those with the necessary skills to work with celebrities.

Now Hiring:

Personal Zoologist for Khloe Kardashian
Duties: Study and document the large mammal in its natural habitat:  Eating buckets of chicken in the dressing room of Lane Bryant
Pros: Free access to extensive family library of sex tapes.
Cons: Most scientists in the field eventually lose appendage in unprovoked attack over peanut brittle.

 

Parole Officer for Lindsay Lohan
Duties: Monitor the erratic starlet and prevent her from drinking, drugging, or making a sequel to “Herbie Fully Loaded”.
Pros: Oftentimes, work is conducted in the lush surroundings of a Malibu rehab facility.
Cons: Jewelry, clothing, and pacemakers often go “missing”.

 

Paranormal Researcher for Michele Bachmann
Duties: Investigate the supernatural entity that has possession of the Minnesota congresswoman’s grasp on reality.
Pros: Will have ample opportunity to enjoy the outdoors while digging up Indian burial sites and the grave of Ronald Reagan in search of “National Treasure”-style clues to President Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate.
Cons: Ectoplasmic swirl of conspiracy theories may suck you into a fourth dimension between the living and the politically dead. Tip: When you hear your name, either walk toward or away from the light.

iThug — the iPhone App for Dictators and Henchmen

iThug!

New iPhone app alerts dictators of impending uprisings among repressed poor and religious minorities!

Easily network with pro-government sponsored goon squads.

Pinpoint with GPS accuracy the location of Anderson Cooper.

Shop online for tear gas from authorized Made in the USA sellers.

Fully integrated with Travelocity for last-minute flight plans.

Charlie Sheen on speed dial.  (Because, if you’re going to be ousted from power in a coup — bloodless or otherwise — you’re going to need some one who really knows how to throw a going away party!)

iThug — In times of revolt, it’s better to have a heads-up, than a head off.

Let Him Finish — Chris Matthews on Egypt and Tomatoes

A transcript from tonight’s “Let Me Finish” segment of Hardball with Chris Matthews:

“Let me Finish tonight with some thoughts on those brave and inspiring young people in Egypt who have been protesting for over a week in Cairo and elsewhere around the country.  I can’t help but think of my own youth.  As children on the Pennsylvanian countryside, like the poor Egyptian protesters, we didn’t have a lot, but we did have something they don’t have — bushels full of irregular Brandywine tomatoes.

And we created our own sort of government takeover in the form of a game we called ‘tomato tag’, where we’d repeatedly and, yes, sometimes ruthlessly, pelted one another with the overripe fruits until our bodies were bruised, our skin soaked in tomato goo, our hair buzzing with flies.  And we had our own sort of protest songs, too.  We’d take popular, or as we called them, ‘pop’ tunes of the day like Bill Haley & The Comets’ ‘Rock Around the Clock’ and change the lyrics by inserting profanities.  Oh, boy, were we bad.  ‘When the clock strikes two, three and four, if the band slows down we’ll yell for Marilyn Monroe to take her top off and squash ‘em together like two helium balloons.’

Oh, maybe it didn’t rhyme by today’s standards, but it’s what kids did then, and no one ever got hurt or brought a gun to school, except for maybe the kids in skeet shooting club, but we knew better than to pal around with the likes of them.  They may have had their pump-action shotguns, but we had our tomatoes and, believe me, it was enough.  And that’s what young activism is about — being willing to and, dare I say, relishing the dignity that comes with taking a produce shot to our old noses, or as we used to call them “Pennsylvania face holes”.

When I see these brave kids, and that’s what some of then are, kids, I just want to wrap my arms around them and bury my face holes into the nape of their necks and breath in the fresh scent of Brandywine tomatoes — It’s like an heirloom summer salad, the kind they make in small towns all across this great land of ours.  I remember later after I returned from the Peace Corp. and met long-time Speaker of the House Tip O’Neill, my old boss, in an elevator for the first time and he said, ‘Who the fuck reeks like rotten Brandywine tomatoes?’  And I proudly stood forward and brushed a shriveled tomato skin off my shoulder — and god only knows how long that piece of composting material had been there — and I stuck out my red stained hand and said, ‘Mr. Speaker, I smell like garbage and I wouldn’t have it any other way.’  And then we went and shared a caprese salad, I’ll never forget that — loved his caprese salad, my old boss did.

He was so smart.  He once told me, ‘If you took all the homeless people in the world, and offered them lucrative no-bid government contracts to do exactly what they were already doing, they’d probably still give you a confused look and ask why all the zombie leprechauns are purple canaries.’  In other words, all politics is local, is what I think he was getting at.

Which brings me back to Egypt and the protesters, and my fondest memories of being bludgeoned with Brandywine tomatoes.  To the people of Egypt, I’d just like to send out a message and let them know that America, or at least I, stand with you in your quest for a democratic, representative government that respects its people and never treats you with disdain or turns up its face holes at you and, if I could, I’d smoosh you in the head with one of my garden’s finest.  Summer is just around the corner, and this year, I’ll be saving a bushel for you.”

Egyptians Demand Overthrow of “Two and a Half Men”

Thousands of Egyptians turned out on the streets of Cairo demanding that Charlie Sheen dedicate his full efforts to hookers and blow, and free the television airwaves from the tyranny of his unfunny hit TV show “Two and a Half Men,” or as the Egyptians refer to it, “Two Great Humorless Satans and the Slightly Smaller Humorless Satan, Who We Liked in ‘The Rookie’ but is, Nevertheless, Still Not Amusing”.

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