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Tag Archives: lindsay lohan

The 5 Possible Fates of Charlie Sheen

We’ve done the math so you don’t have to.  Here, we narrow down the 5 most likely outcomes for America’s favorite (at least as of this writing) drug addled celebrity:

Overdoses on Charlie Sheen, not to mention crack, meth, pills, huffing agents, and the secret ingredient in Axe Body Spray.

Teams up with Lindsay Lohan and goes on “Natural Born Killers”-style thieving and twittering rampage only to eventually be hunted down by a half-naked Danny Bonaduce cyborg sent from the future.

Goddesses mate with, then decapitate, Sheen, laying eggs in his plump, bloated corpse. There the larva-Sheens will gestate while trying to avoid being devoured by a Prader-Willi crazed Angus Jones.

Develops comprehensive, unifying scientific theory of the universe leading to a new understanding of physics and the connection between space and time, then vomits on notes.

Emerges from current crisis and future scandals, police standoffs, awful sitcoms, infomercials, tell-all books, diseases, bouts of religion, spoken word poetry, hang glider crashes, and ultimate fighting cage matches, stronger, crazier, and ready to snort coke off all our gravestones.

Career Opportunities Working with Famous People!

While the economy may still be in the tank, there are lucrative career opportunities out there for those with the necessary skills to work with celebrities.

Now Hiring:

Personal Zoologist for Khloe Kardashian
Duties: Study and document the large mammal in its natural habitat:  Eating buckets of chicken in the dressing room of Lane Bryant
Pros: Free access to extensive family library of sex tapes.
Cons: Most scientists in the field eventually lose appendage in unprovoked attack over peanut brittle.

 

Parole Officer for Lindsay Lohan
Duties: Monitor the erratic starlet and prevent her from drinking, drugging, or making a sequel to “Herbie Fully Loaded”.
Pros: Oftentimes, work is conducted in the lush surroundings of a Malibu rehab facility.
Cons: Jewelry, clothing, and pacemakers often go “missing”.

 

Paranormal Researcher for Michele Bachmann
Duties: Investigate the supernatural entity that has possession of the Minnesota congresswoman’s grasp on reality.
Pros: Will have ample opportunity to enjoy the outdoors while digging up Indian burial sites and the grave of Ronald Reagan in search of “National Treasure”-style clues to President Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate.
Cons: Ectoplasmic swirl of conspiracy theories may suck you into a fourth dimension between the living and the politically dead. Tip: When you hear your name, either walk toward or away from the light.

Lindsay Lohan Attacks Anderson Cooper Over Egyptian Necklace

This is just astounding to watch history in the making.  And I can’t confirm all reports but, apparently, CNN anchor Anderson Cooper was attacked for the second time in as many days by an irate, irrational Lindsay Lohan.  The “Mean Girl” allegedly accused Cooper of tricking her into shoplifting a $2,500 Egyptian necklace from a Venice, Calif. boutique, and she is now demanding the dreamy, blue-eyed newscaster step down and immediately leave the country.

But I could be wrong…

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