We’ve done the math so you don’t have to. Here, we narrow down the 5 most likely outcomes for America’s favorite (at least as of this writing) drug addled celebrity:
Overdoses on Charlie Sheen, not to mention crack, meth, pills, huffing agents, and the secret ingredient in Axe Body Spray.
Teams up with Lindsay Lohan and goes on “Natural Born Killers”-style thieving and twittering rampage only to eventually be hunted down by a half-naked Danny Bonaduce cyborg sent from the future.
Goddesses mate with, then decapitate, Sheen, laying eggs in his plump, bloated corpse. There the larva-Sheens will gestate while trying to avoid being devoured by a Prader-Willi crazed Angus Jones.
Develops comprehensive, unifying scientific theory of the universe leading to a new understanding of physics and the connection between space and time, then vomits on notes.
Emerges from current crisis and future scandals, police standoffs, awful sitcoms, infomercials, tell-all books, diseases, bouts of religion, spoken word poetry, hang glider crashes, and ultimate fighting cage matches, stronger, crazier, and ready to snort coke off all our gravestones.