February 18, 2011
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So, President Obama — shortly after approving tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans — has proposed cutting $5.1 billion from a home heating assistance program for the poor that will likely leave hundreds of thousands of Americans without heat, left to freeze next winter. Now, you’re probably asking yourself, “What took him so long?” Well, change takes time, and this is change you can believe in. The change in this instance is, however, that of bodily fluids that turn from a liquid to a solid state as the bitter cold coagulates the blood of the indigent into cherry Slurpee. But why stop there when there are so many horribly merciless — and profitable — degradations yet to be done to the poor?
Here are some suggestions that might just save our economy while simultaneously gouging the poverty-stricken:
- Use handicapped as human billboards. Have a new product or service to promote? Strap a sign to a wheelchair bound man or a blind woman’s cane. You may see them as handicapped but I see them as handi-capitalists.
- Rent underprivileged single mothers to China. They have a generation comprised almost entirely of men; we have loads of illiterate ladies who don’t know the meaning of the words 爆菊花. It’s win-win!
- Race the homeless in street derbies. It’s fun for the whole family, and hobo fuel is an untapped energy source that could power the green economy of tomorrow.
- Pit diabetic elderly against each other in “Amazing Race” … for insulin. Entertaining, educational, and you never know where the chase will lead: Sometimes to an exotic foreign city, other times to a Wal-Mart bathroom floor, licking gum off a toilet seat in a hypoglycemic stupor.
- Bottle the tears of orphans. This saline fluid is loaded with minerals and a great alternative to sugary soft drinks that don’t involve child sadness.
With a little creative thinking, we just might pull ourselves out of this economic tailspin or at least thin the ranks of the needy who lack the necessary skills to elicit empathy in our blackened, dead hearts.