Friend or Foebia

It's a lot worse than you think.

Somali Pirates Versus Wisconsin School Teachers

In the wake of the recent wave of Somali pirate activity and Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker’s assault on public employee unions, we wonder: Is it better to be a Somali pirate or a Wisconsin school teacher?

Who gets a bigger paycheck?
A hijacked oil tanker can yield millions in ransom. A hijacked algebra class gets you about 45 overcrowded 14-year-olds who think Pythagoras is the Greek shipping heir dating Paris Hilton. Winner: Somali pirates.

Who has more career longevity?
Budget cuts, layoffs, and furloughs make the future of teaching tenuous. Most Somali pirates are devoured by giant squids during first year. Winner: Draw.

Who has the more dangerous profession?
Pirates face ongoing threats of gunplay and scurvy. Milwaukee teachers face ongoing threats of gunplay and scurvy. Winner: Draw.

Who has more ferocious enemies?
Pirates: Man eating sharks. Teachers: Soul crushing Republicans. Winner: Draw.

Who gets more perks?
Teachers may soon lose the right to collective bargaining and union benefits. Pirates offer signing bonuses and chance to kidnap rich assholes on yachts. Winner: Somali pirates.

Pirating is often an overlooked career path but, given the state of the current job market and the attack on organized labor, better to be a pirate than a professor … at least in Wisconsin.


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