Friend or Foebia

It's a lot worse than you think.

Monthly Archives: March 2011

This Week’s Top Dangers Threatening America

Childless adults who visit Disneyland.
Impromptu rap battle between Muammar Gaddafi and Charlie Sheen.
Greedy unions and their unreasonable demands for such luxuries as food and self-respect.
A time traveling Sarah Palin.
Fox News’ Megyn Kelly being released into the wild to feast on reasonable discourse and small rodents.

The 5 Possible Fates of Charlie Sheen

We’ve done the math so you don’t have to.  Here, we narrow down the 5 most likely outcomes for America’s favorite (at least as of this writing) drug addled celebrity:

Overdoses on Charlie Sheen, not to mention crack, meth, pills, huffing agents, and the secret ingredient in Axe Body Spray.

Teams up with Lindsay Lohan and goes on “Natural Born Killers”-style thieving and twittering rampage only to eventually be hunted down by a half-naked Danny Bonaduce cyborg sent from the future.

Goddesses mate with, then decapitate, Sheen, laying eggs in his plump, bloated corpse. There the larva-Sheens will gestate while trying to avoid being devoured by a Prader-Willi crazed Angus Jones.

Develops comprehensive, unifying scientific theory of the universe leading to a new understanding of physics and the connection between space and time, then vomits on notes.

Emerges from current crisis and future scandals, police standoffs, awful sitcoms, infomercials, tell-all books, diseases, bouts of religion, spoken word poetry, hang glider crashes, and ultimate fighting cage matches, stronger, crazier, and ready to snort coke off all our gravestones.

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